I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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