i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize