I don't usually arrange sex via text message
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
