Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
