my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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