do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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