I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
