yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
