hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
