your parents love me but you hate me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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