Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
