"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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