Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize