we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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