I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize