is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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