im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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