Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
