im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
