The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
