when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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