a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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