i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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