come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
