My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize