Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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