Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You made out with two different species that night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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