I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
