Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
