i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
