So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
