dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
