in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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