He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
