Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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