YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
