They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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