sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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