kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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