Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
