My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
