I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
