Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
