no, he came in my armpit
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
