speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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