so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
