i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
