I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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