I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
