She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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