the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
