You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
