The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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