The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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