Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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