its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
