I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize