He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize