I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize