From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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