Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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