who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
