***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
