my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
