Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
