this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
