The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
