I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize