I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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