The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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