I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
