just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
